just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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