we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
