I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
