Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
