New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
