Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
