Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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