She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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