a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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