There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
