That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
