she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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