oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
