i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
