Fuck appropriateness.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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