There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
