Duck Duck Cougar?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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