the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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