onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
