So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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