I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
