not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
