you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
