after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
