Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
