I think my fart just growled at me.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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