Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
