my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
ok first of all what the fuck
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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