He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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