I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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