Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
