new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
