I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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