This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize