How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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