i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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