And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
