Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
