Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Randomize
