I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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