I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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