A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
