I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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