So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
