i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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