I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
