put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
