This dress was meant to end up on your floor
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
