i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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