mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Randomize
