The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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