Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize