tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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