a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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