We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
