Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize