i need an iv and a liver transplant
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize