I could make wine with my vomit
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
