what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize