That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
