I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize