Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
