no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
