sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
