thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
